


Measuring Up

by rudennotgingr



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-16
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-17 15:52:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2315054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rudennotgingr/pseuds/rudennotgingr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor stumbles across a chart that has him concerned about his ability to please Rose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Measuring Up

**Author's Note:**

> So this spawned off of a conversation between almondina and I, due to her running across a real article about men's penis sizes and how they correlate to woman's satisfaction. The link to the article will be included in my tumblr post of the fic. Anyway, due to several hilarious tidbits she tossed my way and her asking so nicely, this happened. Thanks to thedoctordanceswithrose for the beta!

It hadn't taken long for the chart to spread like wildfire through the male ranks of Torchwood. That hadn't been his intention when he had shown the copy to Jake. It was _supposed_ to have been something shared in confidence, something kept between mates.

The Doctor should have known better.

He had found the bloody chart in some...fashion magazine two weekends ago. He and Rose had stayed at the Tyler mansion to watch Tony while Jackie and Pete took a quick getaway to Greece. One night, after they had finally managed to get Tony to bed, he had been waiting for Rose to get back to their room with late night snacks and had taken to pacing. The stack of magazines that Jackie always left for Rose having eventually caught his eye. He flipped uninterestedly through the pages. Ads and ridiculous articles about "how best to please your man" flitted in and out of view.

Then he had found _the_ page. _The Authentic Women's Penis Size Preference Chart_ was staring him in the face. Complete with a sticky note from Jackie that read, "Is he a Cock Lord as well?"

While he had shuddered at the thought of Jackie thinking about his manly bits, curiosity had won out. But just as he began skimming the article, Rose had come through the door. So he quickly committed the website to memory and shut the magazine. An evening of snacks and Rose Tyler was a much better way to spend his time anyway.

Halfway through the work week, he had pulled the article up in his office at Torchwood. Initially he had scoffed at the findings and closed the website without a second thought.

 _Humans_.

The next day, insecurities bubbled to the surface. Even though he was quite manly and quite impressive, what if he really didn't fall under what human women would consider "ideal"?

He made it through the rest of the work week and another weekend before breaking down and taking measurements to see how he compared. For science. Not because he was worried about being only part Time Lord now. Not because he had tried to estimate the math in his head and found it adding up not in his favor. And most definitely not because Rose's offhand comment of "it doesn't really matter" when he had tried to broach the subject the night before. No, it was all in the name of science.

So that Monday morning, he had shut himself up in his office, taking extra care that the door was locked and the blinds were closed. Pulling the chart up on his computer for easy reference, he leaned back in his chair and unzipped the fly of his trousers. Now, the article didn't specifically say when the measurements were taken, whether it was with an erection or not. However, he had reasoned that for his purposes ensuring that his cock was at least mostly hard before taking measurements was the best approach. After all, he was always hard when it came to having sex with Rose, so it only stood to reason that that was the measurement he should use. Science.

With a quick glance at the door, he eased his cock free of his pants. He took himself fully in hand and rested his head on the back of his chair, closing his eyes and stroking himself a few times while imagining it was Rose's small, soft hand instead of his own. His body relaxed and at the first low moan that rumbled in his throat, he stopped and snapped his eyes open. This was maybe...not the best idea. He hadn't taken into account this part human body's extreme need for release once stimulated.

Shit.

Well, maybe after he had taken measurements he could...finish off. As a reward. For he was sure to end up in the A's. An ideal. Perfection. So yes, a reward. He snatched the tape measurer he had brought from home off his desk and quickly measure his length and girth, eager to get back to business and his reward. He glanced at the chart on his monitor, eyes landing on where he stood satisfaction wise.

"What?!" He blinked and shook his head, then double, triple, _quadruple_ checked. "No. No, no, no." All thoughts of finishing himself off flew out the window and panic filled his chest. He had measured against thousands of human males and come up short. A bloody quarter inch short. And that was just length. He'd have to manage almost another entire inch around on top of the extra length before reaching A status.

He was a C. A bloody C! Him! Only "satisfying."

He jumped up from his chair, nearly falling as he scrambled to put his clothing back together. He paced frantically around the room, tugging at his hair. Only satisfying? _Satisfying?_ He wasn't sure if he should be angry and indignant or terrified and ashamed. After all, Rose had never once complained. That had to mean something? Right?

Oh god, what if he _hadn't_ been pleasing Rose this entire time? And she was just too nice to say anything?

What if _Mickey_ had been an ideal?

He made a disgusted sound, nearly choking on his own saliva. No. Just...no. There was no way that Mickey the idiot was an ideal if he, the last of the Time Lords, was not.

Wait...was his previous body an ideal?

He paused, running a hand over his chin then smoothing out his Oxford. Nah, not with those ears.

The overwhelming fear that Rose was far from satisfied with his _performance_ made him dizzy to the point that he collapsed in his chair. He knew her kind nature and it wouldn't be the first time she had kept something from him in order to spare his feelings. But she always _sounded_ more than satisfied every time they made love.

Oh, Rassilon. Had she been _faking_?

He wasn't that much of an idiot. He had seen that film with Rose. The one about Harry and Sally and the...pie. It was entirely possible. And entirely humiliating. He needed to talk to someone, anyone.

He printed out a copy of the chart and ran out of his office. Jake, he would talk to Jake.

That had clearly been a mistake. Jake had laughed at him and told him that maybe he wasn't quite as impressive as he had let on. And then of course had proceeded to make several copies of the chart and pass them around. You could tell just by the way they walked where each Torchwood male fell on the chart. The ones who didn't measure up slunk around the halls with deep frowns on their faces. Which was really most everyone, save three men who strutted around with huge grins and their chests puffed out.

It had spread through the entire building by lunch time. And the Doctor had hidden himself away in his office. He didn't want to face anyone, least of all Rose.

So of course, she had burst into his office without knocking and slammed a copy of the size chart down on his desk.

"Was this you?" she demanded, leaning on the wooden surface with one hand jabbing a finger at the offending document.

"I...um, well, that depends on _what_ exactly you are referring to," he hedged, shifting in his seat and trying not to stare down her button up blouse. No, no, no. Bad, Doctor.

Rose rolled her eyes. "You know exactly what I mean."

"And...say I don't?"

"Did you or did you not spread this ridiculous nonsense all over the bloody building?" She stood up, crossing her arms.

"Not," he answered honestly.

"So why is everyone--"

"Wait, ridiculous?"

"This?" She waved her hand in the direction of the chart resting on his desk. "Well, of course it is. You can't measure a bloke's performance on size alone, that's--"

"Oh, there you go again." The Doctor couldn't help but cut her off, his irritation at himself and her seemingly flippant attitude about the whole thing reaching a breaking point. He rolled his eyes dramatically and wobbled his head back and forth while he mimicked her. "It's not the size that matters it's how you use it. Blah, blah, blah."

She blinked once, before her eyes turned steely. "Excuse me?"

"You know what I think is really going on here?" He leaned forward, knowing he was pushing his luck but unable to stop himself now that it was all pouring out.

"What the bloody hell is your problem?" she snapped, looking at him like he was crazy.

"Don't get snippy with me, Miss Tyler. I'm not the one who's been faking!" He pointed a finger at his chest, his voice rising as the accusation flew into the oar between them.

"Faking?" 

"You heard me. You've been pulling a Meg Ryan on me this whole time. And I fell for it."

"Who the fuck is Meg Ryan?" she hissed, throwing her hands up in the air.

"Don't act like you don't know," he scoffed.

Rose shook her head, and took a step backwards. "I'm not doing this. You're being insane."

"Am I? So this doesn't ring any bells?" He placed both hands on his desk, then closed his eyes and began moaning softly.

"Doctor?"

Ignoring her question, he increased his volume. Moaning and groaning louder and louder in fake ecstasy, tossing his body back against his chair and gripping the armrests. He heard his door slam shut and Rose moving about the office as he began adding "oh yes" and the occasional "fuck" as he panted through a pretend orgasm, complete with arching back, ending by screaming out his own name.

He opened his eyes, clearing his throat and sitting up straight before giving her an innocent smile.

She was standing with her hands on hips, still on the other side of his desk. "Are you saying that I've been faking orgasms?"

"Yes."

"And why exactly would I be doing that?" She watched him with an arched brow.

The Doctor let out a rough breath, the fight in him fizzling unexpectedly out of existence. Shrugging his shoulders and avoiding her gaze, he mumbled, "To protect my manly pride."

"Oh shut up," she chastised gently, as she came around to his side of the desk. She sat on the corner of the wood surface, crossing her legs. He swallowed, her skirt coming up to just above her knees and her toned calves dangling dangerously close to his personal space. She reached out, tilting his chin up to look at her. "What's really the problem?"

He jerked away from her touch and flopped back in his chair, covering his face with his hands. "I'm a C, Rose. A stupid, barely satisfactory C." He chanced a look at her, throwing his heart out for her to either cradle or walk all over. "How could you be happy with that?"

She smiled at him gently, then slid off the desk. "I was being serious when I told you that chart was rubbish." Gripping the armrests of his chair, she swiveled it to the side. Leaning forward, she whispered hotly in his ear, "And I'll have you know, that I have never once faked it with you. Each pant, each moan, each... _scream_ , is authentic."

He gulped as she pulled away, all the blood in his traitorous body rushing south. His pulse began to race as she sank to her knees, inching forward to rest between his legs. His hips slid forward without restraint as she tugged gently on his waistband.

She licked her lips and looked up at him through hooded lashes as she slowly undid the fastenings of his trousers. "You know, there other _experiments_ that can be done before determining how something sizes up. Those are just numbers on paper. One small factor in finding an ideal." In one sure movement, she freed his growing erection from his trousers and pants. "It's all in the testing," she murmured, blowing softly over the tip of his cock and making him shiver.

He knew there was a reason he had always loved science.


End file.
